39 weeks and what not to say

I'm 39.5 weeks pregnant. Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it this far, given my family history. My sisters delivered all their kids early, as did my mother. I was 4 weeks early myself. However, this little guy is proving they come when they are ready.

Going through pregnancy during a worldwide pandemic has certainly been interesting. It really didn't hit until the very end of my pregnancy. I was still able to attend my 32 and 36 week appointments in person. However, the last few weeks have been over the phone. And they did add a 34 week appointment over the phone as well. But as we are very near the end, it is all becoming more real. We are lucky, in the sense that my husband can still be in the delivery room with me. That's assuming he doesn't have a fever when we go to the hospital. We will be confined to the delivery room, no roaming the halls during labor. Small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things. We will have to wear masks during labor. That part I'm not too excited about. We were told last week that we had to go through the ER upon arriving at the hospital. At my appointment this week, they said they are starting to open things up and if it's during normal hours, we can go through the main entrance. It literally changes every day.

The nice thing about having been quarantined for the last 10 weeks is that I haven't had to endure strangers wanting to touch my pregnant belly. But let's be honest, my BRF would have taken care of that anyway. And I almost made it through the entire pregnancy without random comments about my belly. But.....I didn't quite make it. I ventured out to go grocery shopping last week and got "You can't have much longer, right?" Which is basically code for you're ginormous! I realize I haven't gotten nearly the amount of comments that pregnant women get on a regular basis, but here are some that I've heard or have been told to some of my friends that are currently/recently pregnant:

• You're going to have a BIG baby
• You're huge!
• Have you lost all the baby weight yet?
• This one was while we were out for a walk one afternoon - Are you guys our new neighbors? After telling them we live on the street over.... Oh wow, do you want a ride back? We said we were okay and then he said, "I was just thinking of her...." Again, code for you're huge!

None of these comments are appropriate. I'm already terrified of having a gigantic baby. I don't need someone voicing those things out loud to me. Pregnant women don't need to be reminded that they're huge. We know it and feel it, every day. Have you lost all the baby weight yet? That's just beyond inappropriate. This was to a coworker. Not even remotely close to the type of relationship where you can ask that question. I'm just glad my interaction with these wonderful comments has been minimal, given all the social distancing going on.

We're excited to meet this new addition to our family. If he ever decides he's ready to come into this world, that is.

36 weeks and other feelings

Well, I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy journey and it's almost time to meet this little buddy of ours. As the time draws closer, my anxiety increases. Covid 19 is still a thing. Our state is still on stay at home watch. Everyone is working at home. Masks are being worn when you go out in public. Things are very different than what I had expected having a baby would look like.

I went to my 36 week appointment earlier this week. It was overwhelming to say the least. I am now temperature screened when I arrive at the doctor's office and required to wear a mask for the visit. My husband is no longer allowed to accompany me to the visits. I went to my appointment, gave my urine sample and they took my weight, as usual. Then I sat in the room and they took my vitals and told me to strip from the waist down, so they could do the strep B test. They don't give you a full gown for these procedures, they give you a sheet to cover your nether regions, which doesn't even wrap around your entire body. So, my backside is all on display for them as they walk back in the room. Then they leave you to sit on the uncomfortable table, half naked, for 15-20 minutes until the assistant comes in. I would have rather spent that time, fully clothed, sitting in the waiting room.

The assistant finally came in and she started off by telling me the new developments that have happened surrounding delivery in the time of the coronavirus. I was informed that I will be screened for covid upon arriving at the hospital to deliver. She said 30% of pregnant women are asymptomatic carriers. If I test positive, I will be separated from baby after birth. This means, no first contact for me. No skin to skin bonding time with the child I've carried for 9 months. I won't be able to breastfeed. I will have to pump and my husband will have to do the feedings for the baby. This separation would continue upon discharge from the hospital, for the recommended two weeks. I will have to wear a mask for the duration of labor. I figured this last one was going to be a thing, but was really hoping not. The masks are already uncomfortable, just sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to be seen, I was getting sick of it. I can't imagine what hours of labor are going to be like, with a mask around my face. All of this was overwhelming. She continued to recommend no visitors. Again, I'm fine with no random visitors, but my mom was supposed to come out for two weeks. Since she lives in another state, she would have to self quarantine for 14 days upon arrival. All of this was a lot to take in. I had a breakdown in the doctor's office. I felt bad, but it's a lot to handle and being a first time mom, this is not anything I was prepared to deal with. I left the appointment, got in my car and just continued to cry. We've been very careful about not seeing many people and limiting our time in the public. I'm not necessarily afraid of testing positive, but of course my mind is going to think worst case scenario, so I was not in a good place emotionally.

Since the appointment, I have ordered necessary items to be able to pump and store milk, in the event I'm not able to directly breastfeed my child. I have gotten a few more things ready at the house, in the event he decides to come early. I'm hoping that all goes well, but this is certainly not how I pictured having my first baby would go. I'm just trying to focus on hoping that he's healthy and all goes well with the delivery and we're able to bring him home and remain safe.

32 Weeks

Well, I've made it another 2 weeks. We are now 8 weeks away from this little dude arriving. Last weekend was supposed to be my baby shower. It was cancelled, for obvious reasons, but it's still sad to think about the fact I won't be seeing my family before this baby comes. The pandemic continues to sweep the nation. I continue to get stressed out and paranoid about delivering a baby during this time. My emotions are all over the place. It's a combination of trying to get a handle on a new job, being pregnant and this crap going around the world and seeing the stupidity of people all around.

Today is also my grandfather's birthday. I've been thinking about him a lot today. I miss him. I miss his jokes. I miss his smell. I miss him telling me he's old, ornery and disagreeable when I called and asked how he was doing. I miss trying to convince him to let me mow the lawn for him.

I've been at home for a month now. It's been rough. I venture out maybe once a week, for groceries. That's it. I don't interact with people other than my husband (as far as face to face interaction). I've taken this social distancing thing very seriously. Thank goodness for Marco Polo, Zoom, FaceTime and other social networks that allow us to communicate with others. I miss my family. I've lived away from them for nearly 2 years now, you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not and this whole pandemic is just making it worse. I'm hoping I'll be able to get back out West in August, but who knows what will end up happening.

I feel like this has been a lot of random thoughts. I think I just needed to get some things out. To try and put a happy spin on my negativity, here are some things I'm grateful for:

• My health and the health of my family
• Technology that allows me to continue to communicate with my family if I can't be with them in person
• The fact that I have a job, even though I don't feel like I know anything or am understanding what I'm doing at this point
• The fact that my husband still has a job and is able to work from home
• We have food to eat
• My relatives in the healthcare field that are doing their part to help with this - even though I am sad/concerned that they are putting themselves at risk by doing so
• All the healthcare workers/first responders, etc. that are working tirelessly to try and combat this
• Teachers, grocery store workers, postal workers that are still doing their jobs and helping our kids learn, allowing us to purchase groceries or delivering packages to our loved ones in these times.
• Sunshine - I went out on a 2.5 mile walk in the sunshine yesterday. It was much needed and I'm glad the sun is making more of an appearance these days. Spring is coming. Hopefully

30 weeks

I wasn't going to post about this. I was just going to ride it out until the little dude gets here. However, I think I need some sort of outlet. While my pregnancy hasn't been complicated in the traditional sense of morning sickness, gestational diabetes or things like that, it's still been difficult. I don't live near my family. I don't have that support from my friends where I can just drive to someone's house and cry when my emotions are all out of whack. I have a sense of loneliness. Yes, I have my husband and he's been great, but I'm super close with my family, so this has been extremely hard for me.

To top it all off, we are in a global pandemic right now, with the coronavirus. I had scheduled a quick trip back West to see the fam and have a baby shower, which I was very much looking forward to. However, with the massive spreading of this disease, travel restrictions, shelter-in-place orders and the fact that I'm at higher risk because of this pregnancy, that trip will no longer be happening. As the time for this trip comes closer, I'm realizing more and more how good that trip was going to be for my heart and soul. I miss my family terribly. Even if I did end up going, I couldn't even have a combined family dinner with them because groups of more than 10 are discouraged and my family is upwards of 30 people with all the nieces and nephews. Of course I want to see everyone, but I'd only be there for 2 days, which would make it extremely difficult to see everyone. At which point, how do you decide who to see? People will be upset/hurt no matter what. I know it's better that I'm not going, to protect myself and this little one growing inside me, but it is extremely difficult and it's beginning to take it's toll on me. Maybe it's the quarantine, maybe it's the realization that I won't see my family until after this little one enters the world, but I think I'm getting a hint of depression and it's not fun.

Add on the stress of reading/seeing all the chaos surrounding the coronavirus and I am not doing well. I go down rabbit holes of reading the news and watching videos of updates around the world and how this virus is spreading. The paranoia of bringing a tiny human into all of this, with no immune system to fight anything, is terrifying and at times debilitating. I started a new job in January and I'm unable to focus with all this going around. Really, it's a terrible cycle to be stuck in. On a happier note, our little guy is growing, healthy and safe, so we are thankful for that.

Temple Trips

I don't know that I'll ever really get used to going to the temple out here. I grew up in Utah, where the Latter Day Saint religion is dominant. I would go to the temple, be ushered to a locker and go to a full chapel and wait for a session. If I decide to go to the temple alone out here, I don't know if there will even be a session. If I go with Will, we are most likely the witness couple, in a very small session. We went a couple weeks ago, on a Saturday. It was the first time we'd been and we weren't the witness couple. There were actually more than 5 people in the session. However, I still wasn't ushered to a locker, in a very organized fashion. I picked my own locker, at random. Which meant, I had to wait for 3 people to get changed before I could change when we were done. It really is down to a science in Utah. We also have to really plan our time, as the temple is an hour away. I realize that is still fairly close to many other people that live outside of Utah. But again, I grew up with my choice of temples, all within 20-30 minutes from my house. It took up our whole afternoon to attend the temple the other week. And I also need to be better about going more than once or twice a year. The things we have to change our focus on, when it's not so readily accessible as we are used to.

Change is Hard

Over the past year so many things have changed for me. Not all bad, but changes nonetheless.
- I got married
- I quit my job of 12.5 years - stability and knowing what I was doing
- I sold my house - the first house on my own
- I moved across the country
- I started a new job
- I got a new car - Nigel treated me well for 13 years
- I moved away from all my family and friends
- Moved to all new things

This week has been rough for me. I don't really know why, it's just been rough. I was brushing my teeth tonight and almost started crying as I thought of one of my nieces and how much I miss those nieces and nephews of mine.I'm no longer within 90 minutes of all of them. Now I live across the country and I can't just stop by their houses after work and say hi. I don't have a good answer when they ask me, "Minda, can you come over and play?" It breaks my heart when they are so excited to see me and I can't fulfill that wish for them. I learn more and more how tender their little hearts are. I didn't think about how hard this change would be when it all happened. But this past year has not been easy on me.

I have a job, which is great. But I'd been at my previous job for nearly 13 years. People knew who I was, trusted me to do my work and to do it well. That is not the case here. I have a boss that doesn't trust her team. She's always double checking people's work or having us double check each other. Which I understand to an extent, but there's no logic behind her thinking. She has control and trust issues and she's going to lose some good workers because of it. I can't just quit and easily find another job because I'm qualified for nothing. I didn't finish school and every job now requires some sort of a degree. It doesn't even necessarily matter in what, but job descriptions more often than not say, "bachelor's degree required." And that is a requirement I just can't fill at this point in time.

Everything is harder in Massachusetts. Everything.

Friends are Important

I've been blessed with some really amazing friends in my life. Wonderful, talented, amazing friends. When I got married, I had two very talented friends that helped me. One was my photographer and one catered the reception. Bonus for getting married later in life: you have established friends with careers that you can trust. I wasn't worried at all about the quality of my pictures or food that would be there. Other people may have, but I had total confidence. And it turned out wonderfully!! People kept raving about the food. Well of course they did, because my friend is amazing!

That being said, I've had a lot of wonderful people come into my life that I've been able to call friends. What's hard about that? When you move 2000 plus miles away from all of that. Don't get me wrong, married life is good and I have a best friend for life. However, sometimes a girl just needs her close girlfriends to talk to. Yes, technology is amazing and I have all these apps that I'm able to communicate with them, but I'm missing that social connection. I miss going out and having girls nights with my friends. Crafternoons with my girlfriends and catching up on all their lives. Making friends as an adult is hard! Kudos to those kids of yours that come home and say, "I made a friend today!" That's amazing and I envy children and their ability to make friends. That is hard for me. I'm not outgoing. I'm quite shy and come across as a bitch to people when they first meet me. I can say that because some of my close friends have admitted this to me. "I thought you hated me when I first met you." Yeah....that's not a good combination when you try and make friends in a new place. I'm sure they're wondering what my husband is doing with me.